she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
