hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
