So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
