Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
