Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
