i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
