that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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