Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
