chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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