we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
