Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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