forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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