I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
