and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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