Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
