Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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