Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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