I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
