When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize