Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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