GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
