My room smells like vodka and shame
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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