i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He better not be in your backpack
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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