Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
