Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
