we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
