my sisters under your porch take her home
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
