arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
