Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
