This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
