I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
mondays should just be called national damage control day
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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