I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
