shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
