My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
