i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
