I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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