Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
