A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize