She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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