I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
