she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
