I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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