I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
