Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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