my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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