: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
