I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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