Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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