apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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