Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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