we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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