My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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