I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
