1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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