I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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