Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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