why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
