Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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