i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
