I cut my penus on the lid.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
