My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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