Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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