god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
