help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i love accidental penises.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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