The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
