Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
