u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
