Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
