So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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