there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Barsexuality is the new black.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
