Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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