I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
