The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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